My Friend, Grief

I need to talk about it.

Our friend, Grief.

I cry.

I can’t sleep.

And sometimes I even laugh. 

I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. Yes, there are websites and therapists to help you learn how to cope, but there is no true diagnosis for this type of pain. In all honesty it’s scary. 

Going through something you don’t know how to perceive. You can go through it multiple times, but no matter the count it’s different every time. Some feelings are stronger than the last. This can depend on the attachment you had to the one you lost. 

I’ve lost many. 

But this one is hard. 

I lost my grandmother, Mimi, about two weeks ago. She lived a long and happy life. 

Though she passed away peacefully, I grieve her loss every time I sit in silence. 

I need consistent distractions to ease my mind. 

I cry about the hard times and beautiful memories, and nothing can change the fact that she is gone. I think that’s what hurts the most. 

Not having a second chance until I join her in heaven. 

Continuing to live on when a piece of you is no longer there. A void that will never be filled rightfully. 

But you must keep going. 

Now that she is gone, I have questions that need her answers, I have thoughts that need her advice, and I have confusion that needs her comfort.

Those things I needed from her were there when she was here. 

But now she is not and I am left with that type of emptiness. 

Feeling alone, surrounded by others. 

I lay in bed. Eyes sore and a lump in my throat trying to keep down my emotions I feel are too strong to deal with at any time of day. With no true place to have a refuge because at that moment all I want is to have my Mimi there to say, “you will be okay, I have you.” 

Grief can be painful. 

Grief can be strange.

Grief can be comforting.

Grief is my friend. It allows me to have a shadow that inhales me, and gives me the ability to let go of “staying strong.” It allows me to feel. Even if I don’t know the true identity of my emotions, I can dive into memories that I once shared with someone who loved me as is. 

And I think that’s what grief does for me. It lets me be as is. 

No questions asked, just feelings that can’t be fully explained, and that’s okay. 

Without Grief, I wouldn’t be able to stop and share my thoughts, feelings, or memories about a person who I once shared life with. 

Thank you to my friend, Grief. 

And thank you to my Mimi. I will for always love you. I am blessed to have had such an amazing woman in my life to show the world lives on even when you wish it wouldn’t. To simply continue when times get rough. Chase happiness.